All YOU need to do is just…
Harry Burger
All you need to do is just always stop yourself each time before expressing, “All you need to do is…” or, “Why don’t you just…” & critically examine if the REST of that statement is ACTUALLY just as easy for the person I’m talking to as it would be for me? Is there really NOTHING else they need to do before, no prerequisites unfulfilled before starting that thing, AND when that thing is complete, will there be no further follow-up or maintenance required? Will it FULLY solve the REAL problem? How certain am I that I correctly understand the real problem FOR THEM?
Do they have any additional obstacles, impediments, or conflicting Obligations that I don’t? Do they have all the same resources, access, & support as I do? The information, knowledge, skills, training, education, experience, certifications? How about allies & influence?
Might somebody respond less favorably to them than to me doing or saying the same thing, for instance, because of their skin color, ethnicity, accent, gender appearance, queerness, disability, or other marginalization?
If you CAN’T think of any specific answers, that DOESN’T mean you’re clear to go ahead & ask; it’s a Big Red Flag that you’re probably ignorant of your own privilege; it’s similar to the Dunning-Kruger Effect (those with the lowest level of skill/knowledge in a subject are most likely to overestimate their ability). The more privileged & less disabled you are, the more vital it is to consider these matters deliberately. Even for those WITH Disabilities, in poverty, or other marginalized groups, there’s not just one spectrum, one way to quantify who has more or fewer privileges; there are many, & they can be situational.
Unless you’re talking about “justice,” “just” is usually an especially obscene 4-letter word. Ironically, IN-justice is typically a major factor in WHY that word is so hurtful.
The secret is, DON’T ASK “Why don’t you just…” questions or start anything with “All you need to do is…”. There’s a strong chance of them coming across as racist, sexist, ableist, homophobic, etc. Think introspectively about when others say similar things to you, that trivialize your struggles or casually assume life is equally easy for everyone, that the REAL reason for your problem, struggle, misery, etc., MUST be that something is wrong with you, that it’s YOUR fault. Has that ever felt good? Has that earned your friendship, admiration, and appreciation?
Here are some alternative approaches to try, depending on circumstances:
Especially if they HAVEN’T explicitly ASKED for your advice, “Are you seeking advice & help, or more looking to vent right now?”
“What’s the ideal end result here for you? What do you need to get you there?”
If I were in your situation, I might try X. (If you ARE cognizant of one or more privileges you have over them, acknowledge those differences and ask for their opinion on your ideas for how to address them.) Does that sound like something you’d like to try?
“Do you think there might be any challenges along the way I could help you with?”
